I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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