Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
