The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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