i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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