did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
