is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
