I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Randomize
