Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
