I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
