Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
