I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize