Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
