my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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