someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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