My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
