he thought i was a dude.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
