WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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