i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
