Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
