I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
