I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
