A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I am available for nakedness
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
