Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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