Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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