I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
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