ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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