We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
