opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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