The maid of honor just puked.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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