I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like death gave me a hand job
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
