I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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