Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
