thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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