Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
