Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
