I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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