i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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