I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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