I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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