To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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