my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
