I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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