nut hugger
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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