Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.