meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
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Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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