Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
