she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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