Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
