Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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