No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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