just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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