Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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