that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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