did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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