Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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