he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
