Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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