cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
