and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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