Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
