So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
